Two and a Half Men and the Giant Meat Balloon in the Room

If Chuck Lorre and his pals over at CBS think they’re ‘winning’ with god-child Ashton Kutcher as the new co-lead on Two and a Half Men, they’re more delusional than a Vatican assassin warlock. Not only is Kutcher more eye-candy than actor, the plot has thinned to the point of being drivel. It doesn’t work. Is there a writer in the house?

While poor Charlie may have met his demise on a train track in France, exploding like a giant meat balloon as a high speed train splattered his character and his career to pieces, the fact remains that such a demise is easier to recover from than the bloated sausage fest that is now Two and a Half Men. I guess the writers got hit by the same train as Sheen’s character. And who’s driving this runaway man-destroying locomotive? Apparently good ol’ Chuck Lorre.

The show doesn’t work. The situation part of sitcom is supposed to be odd, but not wholly implausible. The comedy part is supposed to be funny. Kutcher isn’t funny. Maybe he’s funny in a sophomoric slapstick sort of way. But he’s no Charlie Sheen. He doesn’t have the nuance. He doesn’t have the chemistry with the other actors or the writers. He’s awful, but he is nice to look at. Be that as it may, John Cryer is left doing all of the work. He’s doing his best, but he can’t carry this alone.

The only way to save this giant, bloating meat balloon before it turns into a pile of rotting haggis is to resurrect Charlie Harper. It’s simple. Charlie has been in the witness protection program. Rose turned out to be part of some sort of international terrorist group using Charlie to carry out their evil plot. Okay, so it’s hokey. But honestly, is it any worse than what their feeding us now? It’s disjointed, laden with fillers and jiggling double-entendres, and about as unimaginative as you can get. It’s a giant festering meat balloon, and it stinks.

Only a pyromaniac Vatican assassin warlock can save this half-baked jiggling mass. Otherwise, Two and a Half Men will continue to rot. I wonder if Chuck Lorre knows which wine goes best with rotting haggis?

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